We all know the world is going to end soon. Do you really want the world to end without knowing the finer details about life which make it amazing?!
Didn't think so. So here I am, to educate you poor, unfortunate souls in the finer art of appreciation. That's right, in list form!
Now girls, to really get the most out of life...
1. Watch Star Wars. It is reccomended that when another person asks you to watch it, you do. And you'll like it. Even if at first it's just about Queen Armidala and Princess Leah, you will soon learn that Star Wars is so much more than that!
2. Try to have read a few books. In Cold Blood (Truman Capote), To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee) and most of the mordern classics are a good place to start. No, Twilight does not count as reading. If you look in bookstores it is actually under the teenage fantasies section. And yes, Harry Potter does count. Why? Because it has a storyline more complicated than a teenage love triangle.
3. Learn to appreciate a brilliant Chewbacca impersonation when you hear one. You'll know (because you would have watched the awesomeness that is Star Wars and would have already learned the fine tonal distinction in Chewy's cries. You would have also teared up at his exclamation as Han Solo got incased in carbonite) and when you know, you should at least give the producer of said cry a high-five, or some prize. It's a fine art, and it takes a dedicated impersonator to pull it off.
4. Watch Top Gear. Now, I don't mean to turn every girl who takes my advice into a rampant tomboy, but if you can't appreciate the solid British humour in this show (if the cars do nothing for you), then tell me this, what makes your life worth living?
5. Know the names of a few serial killers. They are great for conversation starters and to break the ice. I personally find Ted Bundy does wonders when I give people rides home.
6. Watch Lord of The Rings. If that's not the greatest epic known to Middle Earth I'll eat my hat. I mean, elves! Humour! Gandalf! Aragorn! The mines of Moria! My cousin Balin will give us a royal welcome! Malt beer! Ripe Meat off the bone! This isn't a mine, It's a tomb. Get out, we should have taken the pass of Rohin. Watch it. Please, for everyone's sake. (Also refresh on Harry Potter. It will work wonders in tight spots)
7. Appreciate Pokemon. Especially if you grew up in the 90's. This is vital for you. Know your Charmander from your Evie. Know that Water will beat Fire, Fire will beat grass and that Mewtwo is freaking amazing. Team Rocket will always blast off again and Misty and Brock are the best sort of friends. You might just cry in the first movie, but it's understandable. (It is advised not to laugh. No one laughed when George dies in Grey's, or Marissa in the OC. Keep it to yourself)
8. Try carry around condiments. This way you'll never wish you had those soy sauce fishies, or salt, pepper or ketchup, because you'll already have them! It makes everyone so much happier. Trust me.
9. Learn that there are somethings that are just inherently cool and should be appreciated. If you are with such people that appreciate these things, to not destroy your reputation, here are a few pointers...
-If there is gushing, don't change the subject.
-Try not to turn the conversation to yourself.
-Dying is an exception to the above rule.
-Please oh please don't draw parrallels to Twilight, pop singers or celebrity gossip. We only care if the bad guys are defeated.
I'll bring you more on this riveting subject another time.
Anyways, just some sage old wisdom from a wrinkly old bat,
Au Revoir, my dearies, now go mend a birds broken wing.
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