Hallelujah

Whether the beginning of my life commenced at the moment of my birth: at the shattering gasp of oxygen, nitrogen, hydrogen and carbon dioxide into my newly formed lungs, releasing from my fragile frame a shrill, triumphant cry as I lay pressed weakly against my mother’s bosom; remains inconsequential. Or whether my existence was put on hold until the moment in which you spoke, not with words, but with actions, unseen and unknowingly capturing my heart, my soul, by very being, and up until that second I was only a hollow shell of a person, not daring to be any more real. For all the wisdom of the worlds that I held as my own, I know nothing of the moments spent without you.

Meeting you was like the rebirth of everything in history. The stars sung from the heavens and I, I watched from the rooftop of my forlorn palace to where you bathed. It was as if the light from the stars and the moon and the silver clouds had become liquid, that liquid had become human, had taken your form. And as you lifted one of your shining white limbs towards your sister, the moon, my kingdom fell. Fell into your arms, before you had even realised. Bit by bit, you began to hold weightlessly above your head the sound of children laughing, the lands given to me, in battle and in victory. The silences of my city at night, the rising of the sun on the dewy roads and alleys falling upon those who never asked nor deserved its light. The dust rising up from the dry bustle of the afternoon markets, where you walked, delicately weaving through the same heated debates that happened yesterday, and the day before, and the day before. The sound of rain, falling heavily, and then softly, then heavily once more of the flat rooftops, one of which you would sit at night, bathing under the cool light of the universe in all its arrayed splendour. And as you began to hold all of that which was mine, into your atmosphere was swept the crash and clang of swords and armour, the flags and banners fluttering aloft a desperate and not yet victorious breeze to find me, abandoned in my abandonment to remind me of the duty I no longer had authority to hold, the duty which I could no longer claim as my own.

And as I watched, I could no longer find in myself anything of which was now not in you. You, with the grace of the wind, unseen yet felt, had conquered and claimed yourself as victress over my heart. Initially, I had ruled my heart. It was the rule of a king, mighty and indestructible. A king with the favour of the heavens, of the one who called me into being and set me apart to weep in the valleys and move mountains with his might, the declare over the ages the promises made long ago, to hold in my line the one who would save us all. And all of this, you became heir. And I, a mere steward of a kingdom greater than my own, found in you my downfall. My rule was power, was wise, was just. And my heart was subject to that rule, to do my bidding, the bidding of a mind most powerful, alongside my subjects so willing. And my heart of flesh was broken, forced into separate allegiance, that of my country, of my people, of the battle that called to me at each moment, declaring itself rightful owner of my duty and sacrifice, and to you, the property of another, under submission of one who had loved you long before I had laid on thy figure my restless eyes. And yet still, I fought, I struggled within myself to fight the battle I knew beyond a doubt was not mine to enter. The battle of the head, the heart, the man, the king.

Desire is a strange thing to behold, its effects on man both equal parts crushing and uplifting. Its ability, like the form of a beautiful woman who is both haughty and humble, passionate and majestic, to hold one so tightly ensnared in her boiling grip. It was the ropes of which I fell deeply into, winding myself willingly into her bonds, into your bonds. The bonds which you had so unknowingly tightened with each movement of your body, with each note you sung hauntingly, the echoes of which found its way through my abandoned palace to surround my conquered self. In that moment, my hands tied, I begat all remnants of royalty, of all honourable lineage to the sky, to the earth, to anyone but myself, if only to inherit the submission of one whom I could not rightfully claim. But to only speak the words of command, for none knew of my transference of power except myself and the ever watching heavens, and my bidding would become reality, my desires fulfilled in action. A moment of hesitation, before my tongue struck the last spear into the side of conscience, and what I had already begun in my heart crept outside to envelop me in its consequence.

And there, without premeditation on your behalf, with nothing but the humble submission of a subject to thy king, you stripped me of all honour. Of my life, my experiences, my wisdom shaved from my face, my authority torn from my head. Shattered beside us lay my crown of favour, earned in the deserts and the valleys, when none else was watching except the one who mattered most, and from my eyes cried tears of the anointing that in my hour of weakness I had forsaken. And those tears wrenched from my being fell alongside those of the stars, of the galaxies, who, watching with great intent, felt my misgivings as deeply as myself, as deeply as the man who loved you could feel them without knowing any plausible reason to feel as though his life had been ripped out of his hands at the very moment he felt closest to it, yet fathoms from as deeply as the one who gave all to me felt, to watch my foolish heart trade my inheritance, my kingdom for a hoarse whisper from a mouth that was not mine to conquer.

Yet grace begat wisdom to my mistake, atonement searched for and given to my restless, aching heart in the moments of weeping in the presence of one greater than thee. And as the morning light washed clean our inequities, I found I could once more dance before the one who had invested in me more than I could hold by myself. And you; your delicate skin, haunting and full of mans desire, were bought through blood and sorrow, treachery and betrayal, desire that grew to love; you held my line, the line from which would spring wisdom such as the world had never seen before, to birth a kingdom greater than my own, for you had held mine as your own possession since the moment of first breath, to pass on to whom you pleased.