Cleansweeps

If this is love, I’ll tell you

That I want it too much

I want it too much but I’m so scared that if I let you see

You’ll see it in my eyes and I’ll scare you away

I want it like the streets I used to walk after college on a Tuesday

Down dark alleys wondering if anyone would approach me

And kind of hoping that they would.

I’m afraid of wanting.

There’s a river that I swear once led right to my heart

But I lost it the day I lost my bones

I lost them because I was too proud it say ‘uncle’, or ‘mercy’

And I’m crying out mercy but my bones can’t hear me

Any more than the river can because they don’t have ears,

No matter what any poet tries to tell you.

I’m afraid of getting fat.

I’m afraid of losing out, of never getting lost

Of hiding away because it’s damn easier than talking to people

Because I’m afraid of them too

Because I know what it’s like to be them

And if this ain’t a poem then I’m god-damned if I know what is

Because god seems to have damned me since I’ve been seeing his face in the trees

And I want to ask them how may friends they’ve had to bury

Because I’ve seen two

And some may lift their fingers and call it peace but when its you that’s pointing to your still heart

I promise you, it won’t feel that way.

I used to be made of hoping

But I’ve wasted it away on tears for cats

and I’d tell you that you didn’t want to know me

But I’m afraid of dying alone.