An Introduction to Baking.

In the beginning, there was nothing.

This is a very unusual way to start anything, for of course we now know that in order to start anything of great worth, it is advised to start with at least something. At this moment of time, however, which just so happened to be one of the first moments of time, no one knew much about what would now seem like common sense. And thus, with such a lack of common sense it would seem, … woke up with the fanciful idea of baking a cake from scratch. What … woke up from we don’t exactly know, as he didn’t exactly fall asleep at any point before his waking up with the idea of baking a cake. All we know of this pivotal moment in time is that … happened to come into being at some point between there being nothing, and there being the idea of baking a cake from scratch. Some noted theoretical physicists even suggest that perhaps the idea to bake a cake from scratch was indeed the something that came from nothing. It was a very small idea, of course, but it is entirely possible that the Universe indeed came into being from the fanciful idea of baking a cake.

Before any baking would take place though, … decided that some stretches would be in order, as he’d had a very restless sleep, it would seem. What stretches does a being that is closest to non-being do, we are not too sure of, but it is suggested that these stretches took a rather long time, a few hundred thousand years at least. With the vague feeling of being watched, as indeed we are watching him right now, … muttered, “well you’d want to do some stretches too, you know, if you’d been cramped up inside nothingness for whoever knows how long”. The problem with estimating the amount of time … spent cramped up inside nothingness is the ‘nothingness’ part of the equation. How indeed do we know what parameters surround nothingness? In nothingness, and thus a non-entity, how can one be, or measure time, or even sleep restlessly? Perhaps … merely said he had been cramped just to draw our attention away from the stretches he, as the closest being to non-being, was doing so inadequately. In that case, the first lie had been told, and thus original sin now has a place on our timeline.

With the craving for baked goods still intact, … continued to expand his surroundings, because although he had not the slightest idea of how to bake a cake, and only the vaguest inkling of what a cake was and what things (or ingredients, we should offer up for future phrasing) should indeed go into such a cake, … had the notion that cake-baking was a very serious business, one which required a lot of space and a lot of separate ingredients and serious thinking. In thinking this … was quite right, and almost a directly quoting the opening paragraph of Heston Blumenthal’s ‘Introduction To Baking: A Very Serious Business Requiring A Lot of Space and Almost As Much Ingredients and Most Definitely Including Dry Ice.’  Which is of course, a coincidence.

… continued to stretch as he thought about how he was going to make this cake, and how long it would actually take. It is important to note (however late this piece of information may seem) that …’s name was indeed an ellipsis. As language of any form had not yet had time to develop, and only … and a few others to perpetuate and develop it, communication consisted of varying lengths of pauses, with …’s name being exactly the length of an ellipses, which he of all people thought it to be quite convenient. Having a conversation with anyone proved to be rather difficult, as the silences between pauses tended to blend together, and sounded very much as if everyone was rather drunk. This could have been the case, of course, as our knowledge of such early days is still limited, due to …’s hazy recollection.

In one of …’s longer pauses, or what could have been a Shakespearian monologue, the pigsty of expanding space that … had been residing in decided to protest. Either because …’s monologues were worse than Hamlet’s apathy, or just because the general conditions without Union presence were becoming unbearable, the gases and elements decided to group together and stage a campaign, one which different historical accounts give us two very different names for. Called “The birth of the first star” by scientists, it was also affectionately called “For Cake’s sake, stop the monologues” by the matter sharing …’s living space, but which still did cause the birth of the first star. This pleased a lot of people, who had all just read the first book of George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire and were now convinced that winter was indeed coming, and a star would provide adequate warmth for the long nights. (Contrary to popular opinion, George R.R. Martin’s book A Game of Thrones was not published in 1996, as in four years before the new millennium, but actually in the 1996^th minute-anniversary of the first star. Theoretical mathematicians now believe that with this speed of writing, the sixth book in the ASoIaF series, titled The Winds of Winter should be published in the year 2312, and A Song of Spring will not reach bookshelves until midway through a new dominant species’ reign on earth.)

… would have us believe that things went pretty quickly after the appearance of the first star. When we asked him about the progression of his cake making, we found in his recollections a tendency to trivialise certain events, such as the development of galaxies and galaxy clusters, the birth of our own star, Sol, and even the creation of Earth. If it weren’t for our faithful team of historians, scientists, experimental mathematicians, theoretical physicists, Facebook stalkers and general bullshit callers, … would have us believe that the Universe took an easy stroll from that first star into the pre-revolution kitchens of King Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette. However, for the sake of poetic licence, and to stop … from entering into one of Macbeth’s more woeful monologues, we allow him this historical inaccuracy.

18^th Century France provided an excellent opportunity for … to develop his baking skills. Unfortunately, being new to the kitchens and a foreigner, … was placed on cleaning duties, and smacked with some form of cooking utensil if he ever even approached the sugar or flour. In the year 1792, after working for years as kitchen hand, … finally had the chance to begin what had started so very long ago: the business of baking a cake from scratch. Alas, before he had his chance, the revolutionaries destroyed the monarchy and … was forced to flee into exile. After continuous attempts at baking since, and constant thwarting of …’s plans, it is entirely possible that (if the Universe did indeed come into being from the fanciful idea of baking a cake from scratch) if …’s baking plans ever actually happen, the Universe and all life in it will have achieved it’s meaning, and thus, having nothing better to do, collapse back into nothingness.