STAY HUNGRY

Over the past few months I’ve been trying to discover, in a way, the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. Strange as it may seem, I still have no idea. It wasn’t always this way, but I think what really threw me out was the realisation that I am a shy person. Why it took me twenty-one years to figure that out, I may never know, but after so long believing that shy was not something I had, to finding out that it is indeed something that I had, and in great quantities which happily prevent me from making any form of cohesive conversation with basically all peoples who I don’t already know, things get a little confusing. You can see how it might have thrown a spanner in the works, right?

So, with a life-changing realisation under my belt, I embarked upon what most people would call a mid-life crisis if I was about twenty-five years older. This led to some marvellous times, so everybody gather ‘round.

Part of this “issue”, I think, is due to the fact that I am living in a year of waiting: dwelling in a sort of restless middle ground, where the person I am is separated from the person I feel I should be by a gaping canyon, not unlike the Grand Canyon, in fact, except much larger. This in turn, has led to some rather marvellous bouts of existential crisis, where my dear, dear loved ones have heard a splendid amount of colourful language; experienced unexplained tears at unexpected moments; and seen the emotional stability of a nuclear reactor.

I’m not sure if things are getting better or not, and I’m not willing to make any promises just yet, but I have come to a conclusion, and I shall tell you children the story of how I came about this. It’s really quite simple, actually. All I did was get into my car after work one day with the phrase “stay hungry” stuck in my head. I don’t know what it is about that phrase, but it seems to carry as much weight as a wrecking ball, and hit me directly in the gut. And after that, my winded state decided that I wasn’t going to wait until next year, when I am doing what I want to do and living where I want to live, before I became the person I want to be: I’m going to damn well start right now.

Where does that leave us? WELL do I have some answers for you! For too long I have been slightly afraid of showing any personality on any of my blogs, and it’s quite funny how restricting a cage I have made for myself. I think I got caught up with creating the sort of persona that one can do so easily on the internet, and that I became trapped by it, afraid to deviate from what I had already done because I was afraid. And I still am, a little, because I am a massive wuss and also apparently quite shy. But I have to grow up and be a big girl and start doing things that scare me because there are bigger things in life that are more scarier than showing personality on the internet and I’m not really keen on letting what was once a creative outlet become a cage in which I have to fit (which explains why I haven’t really been posting things here recently).

 So I’m stopping. Starting new. Learning to drive again. Staying hungry: which is when I have the most energy. Hungry for everything I can get, hands open and mouth full.  You may join me if you’d like, or you may laugh at me from the sidelines, or you may continue on oblivious to it all. This is my battle and conquest, and I’m damn well going to come out a better person because of it all.