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I thought about it today, when the last time was that I wrote about my life. Maybe that’s it, that’s what’s keeping me away: that I’ve gotten too far away from me. I don’t know this land anymore, I don’t know what it is to be autobiographical.

I have stopped knowing, and now every breath is a question. I have looked around and I’m not entirely sure where I am, but it isn’t earth and it sure as hell isn’t home. I’ve wrapped myself up in worlds of fantasy, not entirely content with reality. That’s a lie. There isn’t a part of me that prefers real life these days. All I know is that I’m waiting, waiting for the sort of adventure that will fall out of the sky and crash through my life. I read and listen and watch all these ordinary people, whose lives were made extraordinary, and I wonder if it will ever happen to me. It’s a hope, bordering on insanity; a desperation that this isn’t all there is. It’s enough to turn a normal person mad. But maybe I was never normal. Maybe I was always mad. I think about all the things I could be doing, the power that I can make with paper and ink, I wish I was Van Gogh. I wonder if I will ever write properly. I want to write a book, but I cut my words short: I haven’t yet learned how to fill a book with silence, and I wonder if I should take up acting. I’m too shy. I want to be some part of something and I want to feel extraordinary. I find it too easy to be alone and sometimes this scares me. I want to chase the life I know I can have, but I’m scared of leaving my cat behind. I don’t want to acknowledge how ridiculous that sounds. I feel the earth dragging me closer to the ground and pulling my eyes shut. Dream, it says to me, fill your life with the impossibilities, when all my feet want to do is run. Maybe my mind isn’t big enough, maybe there are a billion other people smarter and more talented than I but maybe I can still be something. I suppose in order to create what I need to I need to go home, to the ocean where everything I’ve lost in this world finally washes up, if I wait long enough. Maybe there I will find my extraordinary.