Learning // Breaking

I wanted to write one honest sentence

But it came caught in the claws of my mouth

I became a beast inside a girl inside a warrior

And I learned how to survive underwater

Until the day when my appendix burst

And the surgeons, seeing my swollen throat

Took out my tonsils instead

And found the words I had misplaced looking for the truth

They became an elephant and grew until we all were pushed against the walls

I had wanted to learn forgiveness like it was walking on water

I thought all I had to do was keep looking at

The broken teeth I made in your mouth when I tried to pull out

All the parts of the future I couldn’t have

But still wanted – like they were something I could put on lay-by

Until I could become a better person

Until I could go three days without breaking something.



That night, I turned into a cat, dancing across rooftops

Wanting to eat like the moon and grow smaller

But I forgot to wear my cross on my shoulders the night I met you

And became too light for your heavy amour to wear

Sometimes, I turn love into a bees nest

Throwing it against chests and hoping the honey will soothe all the pain it causes

I wanted to believe that the people in my heart were unbreakable

So I left them to salt

Hoping that you would become the ocean

But you were a fountain

In the middle of a park

And I have lost too many bets with the universe

So I leave each coin where it falls

And your heart is so golden and I couldn’t help it

I dropped that too



Don’t hold it against me, love

I never meant to become a cutting board

I never meant to find safe passage through these waves

And if I was a child once more I would tell the truth

That this steel heart of mine cuts too rough through the smoke around your head

And I’m not too good at delicacy

I never make the promises I can keep

Only the ones that will break in three days

And the only thing I have left is this broken cross on my shoulders

Pulling me underwater as soon as I step off this broken boat

And I am caught in the crossfire of all the words I’ve slung at peoples hearts

And I never know when to stop

And the only honest thing I have left is this creature inside me

Learning to read the words

I’m sorry

And I hope that these claws in my throat did no harm

Because I’m only just learning to walk