Here Am I

This year was meant to be the year of no mistakes,

But I have lost so many bets with the universe

That I leave each coin where it falls

And the only things I take with me now

Are the bruises I collect along the way

So here am I:

With all my hearts and fingers bleeding from all the times I have

Aimed to hit something, but only struck myself;

For all the times I have wanted for someone to hold me by my edges

Just to keep me from drifting apart;

For all the broken bones and shoes and glasses and phones;

Here am I.

Limbs and hands and feet holding myself together.

I am wrapped so tightly in my own embrace

That now I can afford to love others without losing parts of my palms.

Here am I.

Still trying to give you parts of the moon like it is my heart rushing over the finish line,

Giving away myself before it cuts too thin across your palms when you reach out

To hold me

But here am I

Still wanting to give too much

To love like a shotgun firing

The recoil, it still grows knots in my shoulders

And my hair, it grows like weeds, tangling around my ears and deafening me.

Still, here am I. I am what I am,

And this Am that I am becoming is no less holy

From all its brokenness.

My eyes have become a forest growing,

Even in spite of all the cheap shots

To my head and my heart, who are learning more about the importance of reaching out

I own hands held so far out in offering that I have no choice but to trust

Everyone I meet

(This does not make me fragile)

Here am I

Hearts beating with the blood found on the ocean floors of my soul,

Shaking so much these tremors still cause tsunamis

Here am I.

And even though I’ve lost so many bets with the universe

That I leave every dollar where it drops from my hands

I still keep them open.